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About the Church
The Nuclear Platypus Church of Arglebargle, formally known as The Fellowship of the Fraternitatis of the Consecration of the Cathedral of the Veneration of the Sanctification of the Abbey of the Sanctuary of the Chapel of the Congregation of the Tabernacle of the Order of the Lodge of the Order of the Tabernacle of the Congregation of the Chapel of the Sanctuary of the Abbey of the Sanctification of the Veneration of the Cathedral of the Consecration of the Fraternitatis of the Fellowship of the First BiscuiTemple of the Nuclear Platypus Church of Arglebargle, Biscuitoidian Platypoid Orthodox, was founded in the year 4200 B.C. by the most reverent Pope Corncobbus the First, who received a blessed vision while astride his donkey on the road to Doughmascus, and lo!, the vision did tell Pope Corncobbus to help the yearning human masses find a suitable 'roll model'.
Accept no imitations: Founded in 4200 B.C. by Pope Corncobbus the First, only the Nuclear Platypus Church of Arglebargle can truthfully claim to be The World’s Oldest and Largest Biscuit Cult.
Since that fateful day over 6,000 years ago, the Church of Arglebargle has been the major force in the shaping of world history, the global authority upon which the infrastructure of human experience has been built. Originally funded by a string of drive-thru Biscuit strands along the Old Silk Road, the Church was soon beset by enemies from all sides, such as organizations dedicated to worship of the vile Anti-Biscuit, the most dreaded SpapOopGannopOlop (please see The Nuclear Platypus Biscuit Bible for additional information on the SpapOopGannopOlop).
The first concrete attack on the Church took place in 617 B.C., when Pope Poioq the Plaid, advocate of a harsh schismatic strain of Fundamentalist Biscuitism called The Rolling Pin of Wrath, was assassinated. Unknown assailants fooled Poioq into eating far more potato salad than any human body could ever realistically hope to digest and metabolize. Because of the deviousness of this offense it is safe to assume that this was the result of years of calculated planning and effort.
Bizarre coups became almost commonplace as the Arglebarglists and their enemies incapacitated one another, leaving entire governments floundering in their wake as the secret power bases collapsed. The only group to benefit during this period, which lasted from 515 B.C. to 244 B.C., were the potato salad manufacturers, who became the world’s first multinational conglomerates due to their products’ astounding (if unlikely) popularity as the weapon of choice for political assassination.
The vile SpapOopGannopOlopists used their arcane skills to put a curse on the Biscuitist Papacy, causing sixteen Popes in a row to accidentally hang or decapitate themselves during gruesome incidents of F.W.I. (Flossing While Intoxicated).
Herewith is presented a list of those thus victimized:
• Pope Wilbur XX.IVnd the Pustulent
• Pope Stan Jr. VIIst, Paragon of Prognathousnous
• Poindexter the Pukin’ Pope
• Buford Q. Jordan, the Pimped-Out Pope
• Quasimodo and Quasimoda, the Coed Popes
• Cletus the 5st, the Podunk Pope
• Pope Epop the Palindromic
• Myron “Mango” Bartholomew the 23th, the Apprehensively Prehensile Pope
• John Q Public, the Populist Pope
• Pope Gorski the 7rd, Paragon of Impecuniousness
• Prunella III.14, the Pi Pope
• Pope Junior Sr., Jr., the Redundant Pope, Paragon of Exemplartude
• Nerdley & Nerdella McNerdley, the Elopin’ Popes
• Pope “Tootie” Biff the 3nd, the Papal Hope of the Ski Slope
Soon after, the attacks were stepped up considerably. One of the more effective tactics was to sponsor contests to see who could create the best parody of Biscuitism. These parodic joke religions were presented as actual belief-systems and are the basis of today’s religious institutions. Many of these errant parodies of Biscuitism were eventually taken quite seriously, and over the subsequent millennia millions of people killed each other while trying to decide which religious parody they liked the most.
The first concrete attack on the Church took place in 617 B.C., when Pope Poioq the Plaid, advocate of a harsh schismatic strain of Fundamentalist Biscuitism called The Rolling Pin of Wrath, was assassinated. Unknown assailants fooled Poioq into eating far more potato salad than any human body could ever realistically hope to digest and metabolize. Because of the deviousness of this offense it is safe to assume that this was the result of years of calculated planning and effort.
Bizarre coups became almost commonplace as the Arglebarglists and their enemies incapacitated one another, leaving entire governments floundering in their wake as the secret power bases collapsed. The only group to benefit during this period, which lasted from 515 B.C. to 244 B.C., were the potato salad manufacturers, who became the world’s first multinational conglomerates due to their products’ astounding (if unlikely) popularity as the weapon of choice for political assassination.
The vile SpapOopGannopOlopists used their arcane skills to put a curse on the Biscuitist Papacy, causing sixteen Popes in a row to accidentally hang or decapitate themselves during gruesome incidents of F.W.I. (Flossing While Intoxicated).
Herewith is presented a list of those thus victimized:
• Pope Wilbur XX.IVnd the Pustulent
• Pope Stan Jr. VIIst, Paragon of Prognathousnous
• Poindexter the Pukin’ Pope
• Buford Q. Jordan, the Pimped-Out Pope
• Quasimodo and Quasimoda, the Coed Popes
• Cletus the 5st, the Podunk Pope
• Pope Epop the Palindromic
• Myron “Mango” Bartholomew the 23th, the Apprehensively Prehensile Pope
• John Q Public, the Populist Pope
• Pope Gorski the 7rd, Paragon of Impecuniousness
• Prunella III.14, the Pi Pope
• Pope Junior Sr., Jr., the Redundant Pope, Paragon of Exemplartude
• Nerdley & Nerdella McNerdley, the Elopin’ Popes
• Pope “Tootie” Biff the 3nd, the Papal Hope of the Ski Slope
Soon after, the attacks were stepped up considerably. One of the more effective tactics was to sponsor contests to see who could create the best parody of Biscuitism. These parodic joke religions were presented as actual belief-systems and are the basis of today’s religious institutions. Many of these errant parodies of Biscuitism were eventually taken quite seriously, and over the subsequent millennia millions of people killed each other while trying to decide which religious parody they liked the most.
Pope Myron “Mango” Bartholomew the 23th, the ninth victim of the dreaded F.W.I (Flossing While Intoxicated) curse
The situation of the Church took a drastic turn for the worse in 321 A.D. when, under mysterious circumstances, the voluminous Pope Spittle the XXXL was lost at sea during an inner tube race and no successor could be found. Power struggles threatened to tear the Church asunder as rival groups claimed to possess the divine qualities of Flour Power required to assume control of the Papal Throne.
The coup de grace was delivered when undercover Clam Enemite hip-hop stars MC Goukouni Ramgoolam the Afrobot, Gerbilina the Chinchilla Thrillah, DJ Toiletta DeVille, Sir Meta4 Mixalot and Dogg-E the Hip-Hop Hound, their astrolabes swinging around on giant gold chains, were elected Quintuple Popes in the year 512; within four years the Church was bankrupt and in ruins, due in no small part to their lavish Cristal-swilling lifestyles.
To make matters worse, over the generations the League’s propaganda campaign had worked its insidious influence, leaving most people mistakenly convinced that the Church of Arglebargle itself was just some sort of a joke religion. The One True Religion, the World’s Oldest and Largest Biscuit Cult, which had once been the subject of nefarious parody was now itself considered the parody, while the joke religions were considered legitimate! Oh, to what a dismal state of apostasy humanity had fallen!
The coup de grace was delivered when undercover Clam Enemite hip-hop stars MC Goukouni Ramgoolam the Afrobot, Gerbilina the Chinchilla Thrillah, DJ Toiletta DeVille, Sir Meta4 Mixalot and Dogg-E the Hip-Hop Hound, their astrolabes swinging around on giant gold chains, were elected Quintuple Popes in the year 512; within four years the Church was bankrupt and in ruins, due in no small part to their lavish Cristal-swilling lifestyles.
To make matters worse, over the generations the League’s propaganda campaign had worked its insidious influence, leaving most people mistakenly convinced that the Church of Arglebargle itself was just some sort of a joke religion. The One True Religion, the World’s Oldest and Largest Biscuit Cult, which had once been the subject of nefarious parody was now itself considered the parody, while the joke religions were considered legitimate! Oh, to what a dismal state of apostasy humanity had fallen!
The Biscuitist prophet Ped Xing, the Nuclear Platypus incarnate in human form. Shown here in Her blessed guise of the Dalai Parton, rallying the Biscuitist forces to the Doughist cause outside the BiscuiTemple fortress in Toledo, Tibet.
After a millennia of strife and global turmoil (described in vivid detail in The Nuclear Platypus Biscuit Bible), an heir to the long-lost papal bloodline was finally found, in the person of Pope Gus Rasputin Nishnabotna Sni-A-Bar Freak the First.
In 1988 Pope Gus decided to openly revive the Nuclear Platypus Church of Arglebargle, an event that rocked the corridors of global power and caused the collapse of the atheistic/anti-Biscuitist Soviet bloc countries only three years later. The Church of Arglebargle is now acknowledged as the most powerful organization in the history of humanity, a Biscuitist behemoth and Doughist juggernaut crushing all opposition in its path, leaving an indelible mark on the human species.